Yoghurt
by The-Oddish
Summary: Scott+Kurt+Logan+a Jacuzzi+a whole load of yoghurt=this fic. Really, really, really quite strange.
1. Chapter One

Yoghurt  
  
Author Notes: I can't believe I'm going to do this, I really can't. I mean, what with working incessantly hard at The Many Deaths of Cyclops aka Scott Summers (i.e. I do the first thing that comes into my head) and that idea for a X-fic based on Beauty and the Beast (if you really know your X-Men, you might be able to see two puns in that already). Anyway, with the other stuff, why add this one? I'll tell you why.  
  
It's damn funny.  
  
Just as a warning, if you have a strong dislike to any of the following, I suggest you leave now: suggested dodgy-ness, threesomes involving Kurt, Logan and Scott, or Müller Light. Or using Wolverine-from-the-movie and Scott-Kurt-and-everyone-else-from-Evolution. Which is more or less what I'm doing, though you can't really tell.  
  
And any German I use will be. well, German. I learnt it all in my German lessons when I bothered to listen. It might be wrong, feel free to correct me if you know better than me. I do have a dictionary; I'm using that to help. Oooooh, "mystique" in German is "geheimnisvolle". Interesting.  
  
So, anyone who has stayed (probably just Kayleigh, whose idea it really was), here it is. Sort of. Not too dodgy, I hope.  
  
Um. where to start? Scott, perhaps.  
  
Scott wandered as if he was wandering aimlessly towards the bathroom. The truth was, he wasn't wandering aimlessly, because he did have an aim, and that was to fill the Jacuzzi with yoghurt. Now that he'd heard that some religions purified things (flagpoles, for instance) with yoghurt, he wanted to see what would happen, if he, say, had a bath in it.  
  
"Scott, mein freund!" called a German voice, making Scott jump. "Relax! It's only me! Und I brought the Müller Light!"  
  
"Oh, thank goodness," Scott said, relieved. "I thought you were Jean." Scott wasn't sure, but he didn't think Jean would approve of his yoghurt- himself-Kurt-and-Logan-in-the-Jacuzzi idea. So the best idea was of course, not to let her know about it.  
  
"Do I look like Jean?" Kurt asked.  
  
"Er, no, not really," Scott admitted.  
  
"Look," Kurt changed the subject quickly, "Here's the yoghurt!" He gestured to the little trolley he'd been pulling along behind him. On it was about fifty pots of yoghurt.  
  
"Kurt, are you sure that'll be enough? It's quite a big Jacuzzi," Scott said doubtfully.  
  
"Ach, das ist nicht alles!" Kurt said. "The rest is in the X-Van."  
  
"Exactly how much did you buy?" Scott asked hesitantly, almost afraid to ask.  
  
"The X-Van is completely full," Kurt admitted. "The Professor couldn't understand why I wanted so much."  
  
"What did you tell him?" Scott was ready to back out of the idea. It was more trouble than it was worth.  
  
"I said, 'ach, Professor, ich esse gern mein yoghurt!'"  
  
"Oh, right." Scott had no idea what that meant, but so long as the Professor didn't want to know what they planned to do with it. "Where's Logan?"  
  
"Logan ist..." Kurt shrugged. "He ist bringing the yoghurt."  
  
"Guys?" called a voice. Kurt and Scott jumped in unison. "Are you guys up ta summat?"  
  
"Uh oh," mumbled Scott. "Uh, hi Rogue. No, we were just standing here, um."  
  
"Waiting for Logan," Kurt said helpfully. He gave a yelp as Scott grabbed his tail and pulled. Hard. "I mean, uh... we are just waiting for Logan to bring us yoghu-AUUUUA, Scott!"  
  
"Weird," said Rogue over her shoulder as she walked away.  
  
"Mein Schwanz tut weh," Kurt moaned quietly. He glared at Scott and clutched his Schwanz in his hands.  
  
In case that sounded dodgy, Schwanz is most certainly German for "tail".  
  
"Where is he?" Scott asked, mostly to himself, about Logan.  
  
"Here," said Logan from behind him. "I jus' had to drag hundreds of pots of yoghurt up three flights of stairs."  
  
"Well, come ON then!" Kurt said excitedly, heading in the direction of the room containing the Jacuzzi. "Let's PARTY!" 


	2. Chapter Two

Yoghurt  
  
Author's Notes: I'm doing this AGAIN? Oo-er. I got some GOOD ideas all loaded up, so prepare for a small dose of humour. And less Author's Notes. I hope you enjoy! And if anyone wants any German explained from my fic, just ask. I will do my best to translate myself. Oh, and I have to devote this chapter to Kalaki, a great author who gave me some of the best ideas.  
  
Scott stood around nervously. The three of them were in the bathroom, and the yoghurt was sitting in pots all over the floor. Logan and Kurt were arguing.  
  
"Toffee!" Kurt said.  
  
"Raspberry," Logan disagreed.  
  
"Oh, stop arguing," Scott said, nervously playing with the lock.  
  
"Well, what do you want then?" Logan asked aggressively.  
  
"Banana," he replied.  
  
"Nein!" said Kurt. "I say we put it all in and mix it all together."  
  
And so that's what they did.  
  
It took quite a while to empty the endless pots of Müller Light into the Jacuzzi, and some of it kept slopping onto the floor.  
  
"Can't you put it in the tub and not on the floor?" Scott demanded angrily, just as he ripped the lid off a pot and the whole lot leapt out the top and landed all over the carpet.  
  
"I think you'll find that's your mess, Four Eyes," Logan growled. He licked a blob of yoghurt that was sliding down his arm.  
  
Scott wasn't happy, but he said "hrmph" and carried on emptying.  
  
"Das ist langweilig," Kurt complained. "Can't we get someone else to help? Perhaps Kitty?"  
  
"We're trying not to let anyone else know what we're doing," Scott said with a hint of sarcasm. He gave the yoghurt a quick poke with one finger and stirred it around. "Yum, raspberry, banana and toffee," he grinned.  
  
"There won't be any left if you keep eating it and dropping it on the floor, moron," Logan grumbled.  
  
"It's nearly full," Kurt observed.  
  
"Well, we've still got some left. What are we gonna do with that?" Scott asked.  
  
"Use yer imagination," Logan suggested. He poured one last strawberry pot into the Jacuzzi, and stepped back. He looked on as if it were a great work of art he had just created himself. He rubbed his hands together. "Okay then..." He suddenly looked to Kurt, who was standing next to the Jacuzzi, completely naked. Scott noticed just at the same moment.  
  
"Oh, god, no, my eyes!" Scott wailed. "My delicate eyes! I'm blind! God, Kurt, you made me go blind!" He paused, and looked up. "Oh, no, god, I'm not blind! Why couldn't I have gone blind before I saw that again?" he covered his face with his hands and sobbed.  
  
"It's okay," Logan comforted, his arm around Scott and his eyes shielded from the blue horror in front of them.  
  
"What?" Kurt asked, not really understanding what they were so bothered about.  
  
"Well. we were kind of planning on wearing trunks," Logan explained.  
  
"Ach, Gott, nein!" Kurt exclaimed. "In Deutschland-"  
  
"We ain't in Germany," Logan pointed out. "This is America."  
  
"Ach," sighed Kurt. "Aber... aren't you going to get undressed then?"  
  
Scott looked at Logan. Logan looked at Scott. They both looked at Kurt. "Um," said Scott.  
  
"Come on," Insisted Kurt. Then he shivered. "Ich bin kalt."  
  
Scott and Logan threw their clothes off and leapt into the Jacuzzi so fast all you saw was a big blur. Kurt was left standing beside it. "Hey! Wait for me!" and he leapt in after them. There was quite a big yoghurt-y splash.  
  
"Now what?" Scott asked.  
  
Author Notes Again: Vell, what did you think? And what DOES happen next? Some suggestions, please? Not too dodgy. PG-13 is my limit, I think. But... a bit dodgy. And funny. Must be funny. And NO ONE is to suggested Xavier joins in, because I wouldn't be able to stomach reading that, let alone writing it. 


	3. Chapter Three

Eh-Oh!!! I'm Kalaki. This time we are both going to write a chapter! Oddish is getting bored so I'd better get on with it.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Scott (who was still reeling from the whole naked Kurt episode) hadn't realised how strange having a bath in yoghurt would be. Kurt was happily lapping it up and Scott did not want it to end with no yoghurt covering them at all.  
  
He thought about Logan and shuddered.  
  
"You know what this needs?"  
  
Scott dreaded to think "What Kurt?"  
  
"Chocolate sauce!" Kurt had yoghurt dripping off his chin and all over his hair.  
  
"And how do you plan to get it?"  
  
Kurt grinned evilly.  
  
"NO!" Scott yelled as Kurt disappeared. Amazingly most of the yoghurt didn't travel around with him. There was a few moments pause and then...  
  
"ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A girl's scream echoed around the whole of the institute. Scott and Logan exchanged a slightly worried look.  
  
Kurt suddenly reappeared and began to squeeze as much of a brown mess as he could out of the large tube he'd brought.  
  
"Why am I here?" asked Logan.  
  
"Uh, Kurt? Who-who was that girl who screamed?"  
  
Kurt looked up from what he was doing  
  
"Huh? Oh, Rogue."  
  
Scott's whole face froze  
  
"Probably the closest she's ever gonna get though huh?" laughed Logan  
  
Kurt blushed and licked his fingers. Scott felt something brush against his leg and, fearing the worst, he jumped about ten feet in the air  
  
"Just my tail, man," Kurt said without even looking up  
  
"Do you do this a lot Kurt because I must say, you're looking extremely calm. Even though you're in a tub with two other naked guys."  
  
Kurt blushed "uhhhhhhh..."  
  
Logan looked up  
  
"This wouldn't explain why all the ice cream went missing last month would it?"  
  
Kurt went very red (which is hard when you're blue).  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- (This is the bit where I, i.e. Oddish, take over)  
  
There was a funny noise, and then all three turned to the wall to see Kitty walking past. They all held their breath and didn't move, and Kitty walked straight past, mumbling to herself about hair gel.  
  
Kurt let out a loud sigh as Kitty disappeared through the wall on the other side. Scott paused and then said, "I can't believe she didn't see us."  
  
"Rogue!" called Kitty's voice from the other side of the wall. "Have you seen my hair gel? I like, really need it!"  
  
"Can't... speak... I need therapy... Kurt naked..." Rogue stuttered.  
  
Kitty looked puzzled.  
  
"Therapy! I need therapy!" Rogue screamed.  
  
Kitty looked at her, and then realised something was wrong. "You're so traumatised, you've dropped your accent," she commented.  
  
"I... I..." Rogue stopped.  
  
"You mean, "Ah... Ah..."" Kitty corrected.  
  
"Who cares? I NEED THERAPY!" Rogue gave one last scream and ran away.  
  
Scott and Logan looked at Kurt.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Uh oh..." said Scott. "We can hear them, so they..."  
  
"Shouldn't say anything they don't want us to hear?" Kurt suggested.  
  
"No! They can hear us!"  
  
"Oh," said Kurt. He looked at the yoghurt. "So?"  
  
Logan gave a sigh. "I'll explain. We are three guys, naked, in a tub full of YOGHURT!"  
  
"Half full thanks to Kurt," Scott said irritably.  
  
They stopped to listen, because Kitty had spoken again. "Jean? Have you like, seen my hair gel? And did you hear that?"  
  
"Hear what? All I heard was Logan yelling 'yoghurt'. Which..." she stopped. "Actually, that is sort of weird, isn't it?"  
  
Scott kicked Logan through the yoghurt and muttered, "It's all your fault!"  
  
Logan growled. "Do that again Four-Eyes, and you'll pay..." He stopped. Kitty was speaking again, and she'd caught his attention.  
  
"Have you seen Kurt or Scott anywhere? Rogue said something about Kurt naked, but I don't know where they are. Or Logan, but I like, just heard him yelling."  
  
"Perhaps he's having a bath," Jean offered.  
  
"I should check," Kitty said. She stepped towards the wall.  
  
Scott glanced in that direction, aware of what she was going to do. "Kurt, quick, teleport us out of here!"  
  
"You? Nein! I'm going!" said Kurt, and bamfed off, still naked and dripping yoghurt.  
  
A moment later, there was another scream.  
  
"Do you think he's doing that on purpose?" Scott asked.  
  
Logan shrugged. Then he remembered. "Kitty's coming to check on me," he reminded Scott.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
(Kalaki here again!)  
  
"Uh-oh" Scott panicked. They both looked from side to side and at each other.  
  
"How long can you hold your breath?" Logan asked  
  
"Long enough" Scott replied.  
  
As Kitty came in they both took in a long gulp of air and submerged themselves into the Toffee-ish/raspberry-ish/banana-ish mess (Plus a lot of chocolate sauce)  
  
"Logan?" Kitty asked delicately "Sorry to bother you but..." She looked around. "Guess he's not here" Kitty shrugged.  
  
She suddenly noticed the jacuzzi  
  
"Hey! Who's filled this with yoghurt?" She asked out loud. It did look very tasty though and she dipped her finger in to taste it. "Good yoghurt though"  
  
'What a strange mix of flavours!' Kitty thought  
  
Kitty didn't have anything else to do but didn't leave immediately. She treated herself to a second taste of the funny yoghurt.  
  
"What's that?" she asked out loud  
  
She pulled out a small clump of hairs, blue hairs to be exact. Well, they weren't really hairs, more like fuzz.  
  
'This explains the whole Rogue thing then' Kitty thought  
  
Kitty stood around for a few more moments, blissfully unaware that there were two guys drowning in yoghurt less that a foot away. Finally she left.  
  
The two (still naked) men surfaced and gasped for air. They choked repeatedly  
  
"Wait 'till I get my hands on that elf!" Logan glowered  
  
"You put him on a stick and I'll shish kabob him" Scott agreed  
  
"Hi guys!" Greeted the overly cheerful German as he ported back into the jacuzzi  
  
"Man Kurt! You just left us!" Scott cried  
  
"Shush!! Mein Gott! They can still hear you, remember?"  
  
Logan was furious that Kurt of all people had to remind him of something so obvious.  
  
Outside they suddenly heard Kitty again  
  
"Rogue? Are you-?"  
  
"HE'S FOLLOWING ME AROUND!!!!!!" Rogue screamed at the top of her lungs "I just start to calm down and he's there again!! All naked and... ugh! I feel sick just thinking about it!!"  
  
"Okay, Rogue I'm sure he didn't mean..."  
  
"He was covered from head to toe in this stuff, dripped it everywhere. Then he just smiles at me and says "Hey Rogue" like he does it everyday!!!"  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
(Oddish returns!)  
  
Rogue sighed. "And when Ah get ma hands on that elf, Ah'm gonna throttle him with ma bare hands."  
  
Kitty was glad Rogue was suddenly talking "normally" again, because it meant she must be recovering.  
  
Kurt took this break in the conversation as a chance to mumble, "hey, I don't look that bad!" and look hurt.  
  
Scott didn't think it would be fair to point out that Rogue rarely had blue guys with tails appearing naked in front of her, dripping yoghurt. Instead he tried to look sympathetic, and failed miserably.  
  
The three heard footsteps trail off into the distance, and, glad that Kitty had finally gone, began to talk properly again.  
  
"Maybe we should just clean up, and then just forget this ever happened," Scott said, wishing the idea hadn't been his in the first place.  
  
"What are we gonna do with this amount of yoghurt?" Logan asked. He and Scott turned to Kurt.  
  
"Put it back in the pots and put them in the fridge," Kurt explained.  
  
Scott looked as if he was going to be sick.  
  
"It works with ice cream," Kurt added.  
  
Scott turned slightly pale. "Which ice cream?"  
  
"The ice cream that was in the freezer and..."  
  
"I am going to be sick," Scott announced. 


	4. Chapter Four

"Don't be sick!" Kurt said fearfully. Have you ever been in a Jacuzzi filled with yoghurt and puke? No, I haven't either. "We haven't got to the fun bit yet!"  
  
Scott really really did want to be sick right then.  
  
"Fun bit?" Logan asked nervously.  
  
"Wait and see," Kurt grinned.  
  
But they never got that far.  
  
"What is that noise?" Logan asked, sniffing the air in that Logan way he has.  
  
"That noise" was Rogue outside the door, trying to listen to what was going on inside. She had her ear pressed right up against the door, because she was dying to find out why Kurt was running around naked dripping what tasted like raspberry-toffee-banana-chocolate yoghurt everywhere, and she'd found there were no other places he could be than in the bathroom. She was quite worried when she heard Logan' and Scott's voices in with Kurt, and decided to listen for a bit.  
  
"It's Rogue," Logan said decisively (but also quietly, so Rogue wouldn't hear him).  
  
"Vas does she vant?" Kurt asked nervously.  
  
"Oh, I vonder," Scott mumbled under his breath.  
  
Logan smirked.  
  
"What?" Scott asked, worried.  
  
"This," he said, and started making loud groaning noises.  
  
"Logaaan!" Scott wailed, trying to make him stop, but only making the whole thing sound much worse.  
  
Rogue shuddered. She could imagine exactly what was going on in there, and she... was going in to have a look. Well, if the door was unlocked. Or if she could pick the lock, if necessary.  
  
"Scott you moron, you left the door unlocked!" Logan hissed.  
  
Scott did seem to remember fiddling with the lock then they came in, and... yes, it was true, it was unlocked. Uh oh. They were in trouble now. They didn't even bother to hold their breath and duck under the yoghurt. Logan hoped it would all be over quickly, and started praying.  
  
Rogue tried the door handle, and it flew open. "Hi guys," she said sheepishly. "Ya havin' a party or summat?"  
  
"Something like that," Scott agreed.  
  
Kurt looked mildly surprised to see Rogue, and then yelped, "argh! Rogue, don't look! I'm naked!"  
  
Rogue gave him a Look. "Kurt, Ah've seen it before."  
  
Kurt looked worried, and then remembered the chocolate sauce. "Oh, ja."  
  
"Can Ah join in?" Rogue asked hopefully.  
  
Scott was seriously going to consider it, but then he remembered. "No Rogue, you'll kill us all!"  
  
"Fine, I know where Ah'm not wanted," Rogue said, and turned and left.  
  
"That was close," Kurt said when she'd gone.  
  
"But she left the door open," Scott said.  
  
"Ah yeah. But I'm not going to get out and close it, it's too cold," Kurt replied.  
  
Logan agreed.  
  
It was at this point Jean walked past.  
  
"Hide me!" Scott wailed. He leapt out and hid behind the jacuzzi where she couldn't see him.  
  
Jean stuck her head round the doorframe. "What are you two doing?"  
  
"Absolutely nothing," Logan said.  
  
"Nothing that involves Scott," Kurt added quickly.  
  
Scott was going to kill him when he got the chance. Drowning in yoghurt seemed too good for him, somehow...  
  
"Well, have fun then," Jean said. "All naked and stuff, in your yoghurt and that. And why is Scott hiding behind the jacuzzi?"  
  
Damn it! Why had Scott forgotten about her powers? He stood up. "Hi Jean."  
  
"That was more than I wanted to see," she muttered, leaving quickly.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -  
  
Just as a quick note, I know it's an Evolution/movie crossover in a way, but I like both, and... well, that's how it is, and it's funny anyway. Isn't it? You tell me. 


End file.
